Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
