I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
