I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize