it wasn't lemon gatorade
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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