It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
