i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
