He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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