She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
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he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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