I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
