I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
