question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
my poor anus
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
