swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
