Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
