I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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