People in love make me want to vomit
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
