glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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