The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
