looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
