the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
