Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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