I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I smell stomach acid.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
