Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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