who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
