Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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