Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
you're hired as official boob wrangler
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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