He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You ate ashes out of my bong
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
