i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
