I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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