I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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