Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
