; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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