My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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