The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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