good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
