I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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