Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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