just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
