He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
