You're my little dorito
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
