Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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