Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
