oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
