i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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