Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
