she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
