I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
