Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
