Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
