the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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