no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
