wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
