I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
