Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
