I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
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I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?