My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
