the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
