did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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