omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Soap is not a condiment
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
