If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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