i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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