Where is the hickey?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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